What will 2006 bring for Canada and more specifically, for Jasper? Here are the Fitzhugh’s fearless predictions.

Early in January an unprecedented weather pattern will see a complete reversal of recent storms. Rather than dumping dozens of centimetres of snow on angry Quebecois and befuddled Maritmers, Old Man Winter will finally give the Rockies the snow we deserve. Marmot will be in fine shape for the rest of the season, back country and cross-country aficionados will be jubilant and we’ll all get a chance to see just how well the municipal snow clearing strategy works.

On January 23, voters in Yellowhead will deliver a shocking message at the polls. Incumbent MP Rob Merrifield will be returned to Ottawa with only 61 per cent support. He’ll be part of a new Conservative minority government, one that will rule the country thanks to the uncomfortable but necessary support of the New Democrats and three members of the Marxist-Leninist Party, who will be elected due to systemic voting irregularities at Ontario polling stations run by out-of-work Liberal lobbyists.

In February, the Winter Olympics will open in Turin, Italy. Sadly for the many athletes representing our fine country, Canadians will be almost completely focused on the trials and tribulations of the men’s hockey team. After sweeping through the opening round games, our boys’ medal hopes will be thrown into doubt by a bizarre incident during the quarterfinal when Todd Bertuzzi knocks Shane Doan unconscious after his team-mate casts aspersions on French Canadians. “He wasn’t living up to the Olympic ideal,” Bertuzzi will say later. Two players short, Canada will be saved thanks to an obscure rule that allows executive director Wayne Gretzky and his assistant Kevin Lowe to suit up. 

We will go on to win the gold.

Closer to home, municipal council will decide in March to designate the curling rink as the future site of a new arts centre while renting the provincial building as a curling facility and transforming the Old Fire Hall into an all-ages disco. The administrative offices for the town, meanwhile, will be moved to Hinton. The municipality will provide a period for public comment, but will only receive three submissions, all from sons of deceased Nigerian bankers offering to invest in the projects for a “nominal fee.”

Spring time will be marked by the successful creation of a tourism authority in Jasper that will raise money for marketing the town as a tourist destination. This will only be achieved after the project’s proponents supply the local business community with special glasses that allow everyone to see the forest for the trees.

The Stanley Cup playoffs will see the Battle of Alberta played out over seven games. The Oilers will defeat the Flames after Mikka Kiprusoff literally explodes from being played in every single game during the season. The Oil will go on to lose in the Stanley Cup finals against a resurgent Toronto Maple Leafs team. Seconds later, the universe will collapse inwards.

During the dog days of summer, the usual influx of tourists will flood the town, but this year they will be joined by an unexpected funding announcement from the federal government. The one-time grant for Jasper National Park will be met with the striking of a stakeholder’s committee to decide how to spend the money. The committee will still be meeting at year’s end.

The fall will pass uneventfully, save for the announcement that Fairmont Hotels has been purchased by a mysterious Middle Eastern sheikh, who wishes to convert the Jasper Park Lodge into a camel racing facility.

Finally, in December, 2006 someone will write to the Fitzhugh and point out that we didn’t do a very good job of predicting the future.