One Jasperite is offering a bit of hope in an otherwise lonely situation, with her new book, Losing Emily. 

Four years ago, Tammy Anderson was celebrating the upcoming birth of her baby girl Emily, but at 37.5 weeks of pregnancy, it was discovered that the umbilical cord had wrapped around the baby’s neck several times. Instead of entering the hospital to deliver a new addition to their family, Tammy gave birth to a stillborn baby, and returned home confused and looking for answers for something that was medically unexplainable.

“I just wanted information when I came home,” Anderson said. “Not having the answers was scary.”

She began a search on the internet for any group or message board that may have had parents going through the same thing. Anderson was met with the realization that there was no support for people like her in a small town like Jasper. 

“It is a very dark and lonely place to be,” she said. “There is not an official support group for enduring a stillbirth.”

Hinton does have a support group for grieving parents, but Anderson said Jasper is just too small a community. 

“It’s sad that there is such a need,” she said. “It’s awful to think about how often it happens. I think even one is too many.”

It wasn’t until a friend who had gone through the same thing reached out to Anderson, that she began to heal. She credits talking with that friend with helping her get through the pain she felt when she lost Emily. “We could talk about things we couldn’t talk about with other people. Just to find that connection. It’s uplifting.”

Anderson found that many people were not willing to delve into her feelings about losing a child. “They don’t want to hear everything that’s going on,” she said. “You can’t open up to the horrific details. It is a taboo thing today because it is so awful.”

That led Anderson to want to help those that are going through the same thing as her without any support. She decided to write a book about her experience in hopes that other parents would understand it’s okay to feel sad. 

“It’s just something I sort of had a passion to create,” Anderson said. 

Since the book, titled Losing Emily, launched in February, Anderson has had an overwhelming response from parents, caregivers, nurses and doctors. 

“I’ve heard from so many people that it was a gift to them as well,” she said. “I just had so many heart-warming reviews.”

The book begins with the decision to have a baby with her new husband to join her two children. It continues with a description of the excitement of the pregnancy, and the planning of a life with little Emily. Then it details the day they found out they would not be bringing the baby she had carried for nine months home, and follows the delivery of the stillborn, and the family’s journey afterward. 

“The people that go through this, it’s so awful,” Anderson said, adding that the public health nurses in Jasper were a huge help for her as she tried to understand what happened to Emily. “It’s awesome that we have the public health nurses here. We’re lucky we do have that.”

Shortly after the book launched, Anderson received an email from a woman in B.C. who had lost her child in almost the same way as Emily. 

“She said it was a comforting feeling to know that she wasn’t the only one who had feelings,” Anderson said. “It truly does touch my heart.”

Doctors and nurses in the U.S. have contacted Anderson looking for a copy to carry in their offices, and reviews have been pouring in from NICUs and other health service providers. 

“It’s becoming more and more available,” Anderson said. 

Since losing Emily four years ago, Anderson said the pain has never gone away, but she has learned to deal with her feelings in a positive way. Writing the book helped her understand what happened more, but also forced her to relive the pain of losing her third child. 

“You have to re-live it to write it, but I guess in a way it was healing,” she said. “I don’t think it’s something you get over, but something you get through.”

Two years after tragically losing Emily, Anderson gave birth to a healthy, happy baby boy named Brennan. Now two, Anderson said she will tell her son all about her big sister Emily, and about the legacy she left. 

Going through pregnancy again was tough for Anderson. She said she was constantly terrified Brennan would be stillborn too. Once he was born, she was still scared, but felt a sense of happiness as well. 

“Like, what a weight lifted off my shoulders,” Anderson said. “For the first three days I was so scared something was going to happen to him,” she said. Now, the mother is over her fear and happily talks about the little boy. 

Telling her two children what happened to Emily was tough as well, Anderson recalls. Her husband told them what happened as best he could, but Anderson suspects they never fully understood. 

“I don’t know that they really comprehended everything,” she said. “We did our very best to help them in any way we could, although we all struggled with the shock of realizing she would not be coming home.”

The other problem was that the grown-ups didn’t understand what happened either. “How do you explain why to a kid?”

Now the family sees girls about Emily’s age and wonders what type of person she would have been. They talk openly about the missing member of their family. It took them a long time to get to this place, Anderson said. “It was definitely a long, painful journey.”

Now parents have her book as a resource, but Anderson wishes there would have been more options for her. “I wish that I would have had something like that,” she said. 

With Losing Emily out there, Anderson is happy to be helping parents and their families understand they are not alone. 

“Its a really special feeling to know that I’m helping people,” she said. “It warms my heart really.”

Losing Emily is available through Anderson, by emailing her at tamfam@telus.net. Copies of the book can be borrowed from doctors offices, and it is for sale at Bearfoot in the Park. It is also available online at www.inkwaterbooks.com, or at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.