Shining a light on dating violence

December 15, 2011

You’re ugly. No one else will ever love you. If you break up with me, I’ll tell everyone about that time you: fill in the blank.

These statements are all forms of psychological abuse, used in relationships as a way of gaining and retaining power over a partner. Psychological abuse is a common form of dating violence, as is sexual abuse and physical abuse.

That’s what students from Jasper Junior/Senior High School heard at a dating violence presentation during their lunch hour on Dec. 7.

The lunch is an annual event organized by the school, alongside the 16 Days of Activism Campaign, to promote awareness about violence.

The proceeds from the meal are donated to the Hinton Women’s Shelter, which also serves the Jasper community.

At the Jasper Activity Centre to speak to the students was Cara Kulbacki, a family violence prevention worker for the shelter.

She said that dating violence is something that isn’t spoken about as often as it should be, so people don’t always know how to identify it.

“Dating violence is a pattern of abusive behaviours that are meant to gain power and control over the other person in the relationship,” she explained.

This control can come in a number of different forms.

According to the federal Department of Justice, dating violence can be a single act of violence, such as a sexual assault, or it may be a pattern of abusive behaviour and mistreatment.

There are three types of dating violence: physical, sexual and psychological.

Some examples of physical abuse are: restraining, shaking, pushing, kicking, hitting, slapping, biting, choking or beating.

Sexual abuse, on the other hand, can be anything from sexual harassment and sexual coercion to sexual assault.

Psychological abuse is using words or actions to control, isolate or intimidate someone or damage their sense of self-worth or integrity.

An example of this is excessive jealousy.

“If you think back on your past, you might remember a time where you’re with a friend and they keep getting text after text after text from a girlfriend or boyfriend wanting to know where they are,” Kulbacki said to the students, noting that that’s not healthy behaviour.

“Or relationships where the couple is very isolated and they don’t do things with anybody else.

“It’s really important in a healthy relationship to pursue your own interests and if your only interest is your partner and your partner’s only interest is in you, then that’s not healthy and that’s something you should maybe talk to an adult about,” she said.

Kulbacki told the students, if they have a feeling they or their friend are experiencing dating violence, it’s important to talk to someone about it, even if they’re not sure that what’s happening is wrong.

“It’s important to ask someone for advice,” she said.

She also suggested that if you’re feeling unsafe, or unsure about your relationship, always tell someone where you’re going and when you’ll be back, if you’re going out to meet your partner.

“It’s taking little steps like that to make sure somebody knows where you are if you’re feeling unsafe,” she said.

Potential warning signs of abuse

The federal Department of Justice’s website includes this list of warning signs that a person is being abused:

•Low self-esteem

•Withdrawal

•Depression

•Nervousness

•Unexplained cuts, bruises, scrapes, burns or bite marks

A person who is being abused may:

•Stop participating in things they enjoy

•Have little or no interest in family activities

•Have difficulty sleeping